Dark Days

It's disgusting how easily people adapt to leaving someone, yet claw at their own throats the moment they're left alone. I used to have a dwindling faith long before, but there is no god in a world raging civil war. Are we not all human beings? Why must we find fault in every single trait? There's just not enough and too much hate. 
No amount of delusion can help ease the shaking truth. We are broken beings, trapped in a world set on tragic repeat. 

Too Many Friends

These lyrics really relate to my life situation right now. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible for me to be support to another person when I can barely endure my own struggles. At least I have good music to help me through. That's why I'll share with you, the people I wish to help.

Opportunity

Been doing some research on the modeling agencies in Sioux Falls. There’s quite a few of them compared to here, which is good because I don’t think I necessarily want to be a part of the one here. 

So if plans go well, this might be a good opportunity, even if it means I’d have to leave. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes.

Ferret Birthdays

So for those who don't know, I happen to have six ferrets whom I love as if they were my own children. I got them all at different times as babies so they're all grown up now, but I still like to celebrate their given birthdays. This month, there were two.

July 15th was Ash's one year birthday and today is Kira's one year! So I'm celebrating by giving them extra play time and posting pictures of them online! ^-^

This is my only boy ferret Ash. We got him at a month old and have loved him to death since day one. He was sick a few weeks ago from an ear infection and we were worried he wouldn't pull through with antibiotics. but he managed to heal quickly and I'm really happy he's still here with us. He's a ferret who likes to lick our lips whenever we put him close to our face. He is the most people dependent ferret we have and he's very loyal.

This is Kira! Though she's very close in age with Ash, she's completely different in personality than him. She's very calm when in the cage, but when we let her out, her vocal box explodes out of control and she turns into a bucking bronco. She's the only ferret who doesn't open her mouth to us at all to lick or bite, even when playing.

Gone

Plans might be changing soon…

So now my only question is…if I suddenly live in another city, will anyone care enough to visit me?

Leaving feels so scary when I realize I might be totally alone in times I need a friend. 
I don’t want to lose the friends I have worked so hard to make.

Another scary thought is leaving my job. What if I have trouble finding another one? I’m not very skilled and I sure don’t want to work in another restaurant. What will I do for a living? 
Better yet, what do I even want to do?

My life keeps changing so fast, I can’t congregate my adapting ability quick enough.
I mean, my parents are potentially getting divorced and that’s thrown me for a loop and now I might have to start all over somewhere else. All I wanted was my own place, to dwell in and invite girl friends over once in a while.

Things can be so confusing sometimes.

Sexuality

So recently, a few things reminded me today of a situation that happened to me when I was in middle school. I told a guy I knew that I was bisexual. Though at the time, I was pretty unsure of what I really felt regarding my sexuality. All I knew is that I had a hard time differentiating between friendship and being in a romantic relationship, due to the fact that I hadn't experienced physical love yet.

So anyways, this guy reacted rudely and made fun of me before telling my aunt what I had told him. My aunt then throttled me with questions like "Do you like women sexually?" or "Do you want to touch them?"
Now, I was really insecure at the time and her reaction frightened me to the point of tears, so all I could do was deny what I said.

Now that I'm older, I've figured out a lot more about my feelings and the differences between love and lust. I realize now that the questions my aunt asked have no relevance to whether or not I was actually bisexual. To want to have sex with another woman does not mean you are a lesbian. There are many straight women who have had sex with other women simply for physical pleasure. That's called bi-curious which means to have an interest in being physical with either sex. However, if you ever have real feelings for that person, the scenario is greatly changed.

Having sex with somebody does not always mean that you love them. We see it all the time with straight people; Men and women sleeping around with people they don't have any emotional interest in. It would be the same situation, even if it was between two women or two men who don't love each other. That action alone does not define their sexuality. It's the personal bond they feel with that person that determines the truth.

Anyhow, I know I wasn't just confused back then because my feelings haven't changed. I can still feel attracted to both sexes equally, though I've never had a relationship with another woman simply because there was never someone interested enough in me or I didn't take enough of an interest in them. Everyone's got a type. Honestly, I think there was only one female friend I had who I was possessive and protective of enough to assume I was probably in love with her. I just didn't realize it then, until she had disappeared from my life altogether.

These are the thoughts I had today...

Shaken

The dream that keeps occurring
through my life, the thought is stirring
as I'm swept beneath the light
but I know that it's not right

Though I'm shaken and unholy
These words I write are for you solely
remaining untouched although in your grasp
in this hand of yours I clasp

Feeling so real, yet our loves in a bind
crossing a threshold between body and mind
talking sounds ever so silent
from a mouth so ugly and violent