Dark Days

It's disgusting how easily people adapt to leaving someone, yet claw at their own throats the moment they're left alone. I used to have a dwindling faith long before, but there is no god in a world raging civil war. Are we not all human beings? Why must we find fault in every single trait? There's just not enough and too much hate. 
No amount of delusion can help ease the shaking truth. We are broken beings, trapped in a world set on tragic repeat. 

Too Many Friends

These lyrics really relate to my life situation right now. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible for me to be support to another person when I can barely endure my own struggles. At least I have good music to help me through. That's why I'll share with you, the people I wish to help.

Opportunity

Been doing some research on the modeling agencies in Sioux Falls. There’s quite a few of them compared to here, which is good because I don’t think I necessarily want to be a part of the one here. 

So if plans go well, this might be a good opportunity, even if it means I’d have to leave. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes.

Ferret Birthdays

So for those who don't know, I happen to have six ferrets whom I love as if they were my own children. I got them all at different times as babies so they're all grown up now, but I still like to celebrate their given birthdays. This month, there were two.

July 15th was Ash's one year birthday and today is Kira's one year! So I'm celebrating by giving them extra play time and posting pictures of them online! ^-^

This is my only boy ferret Ash. We got him at a month old and have loved him to death since day one. He was sick a few weeks ago from an ear infection and we were worried he wouldn't pull through with antibiotics. but he managed to heal quickly and I'm really happy he's still here with us. He's a ferret who likes to lick our lips whenever we put him close to our face. He is the most people dependent ferret we have and he's very loyal.

This is Kira! Though she's very close in age with Ash, she's completely different in personality than him. She's very calm when in the cage, but when we let her out, her vocal box explodes out of control and she turns into a bucking bronco. She's the only ferret who doesn't open her mouth to us at all to lick or bite, even when playing.

Gone

Plans might be changing soon…

So now my only question is…if I suddenly live in another city, will anyone care enough to visit me?

Leaving feels so scary when I realize I might be totally alone in times I need a friend. 
I don’t want to lose the friends I have worked so hard to make.

Another scary thought is leaving my job. What if I have trouble finding another one? I’m not very skilled and I sure don’t want to work in another restaurant. What will I do for a living? 
Better yet, what do I even want to do?

My life keeps changing so fast, I can’t congregate my adapting ability quick enough.
I mean, my parents are potentially getting divorced and that’s thrown me for a loop and now I might have to start all over somewhere else. All I wanted was my own place, to dwell in and invite girl friends over once in a while.

Things can be so confusing sometimes.

Sexuality

So recently, a few things reminded me today of a situation that happened to me when I was in middle school. I told a guy I knew that I was bisexual. Though at the time, I was pretty unsure of what I really felt regarding my sexuality. All I knew is that I had a hard time differentiating between friendship and being in a romantic relationship, due to the fact that I hadn't experienced physical love yet.

So anyways, this guy reacted rudely and made fun of me before telling my aunt what I had told him. My aunt then throttled me with questions like "Do you like women sexually?" or "Do you want to touch them?"
Now, I was really insecure at the time and her reaction frightened me to the point of tears, so all I could do was deny what I said.

Now that I'm older, I've figured out a lot more about my feelings and the differences between love and lust. I realize now that the questions my aunt asked have no relevance to whether or not I was actually bisexual. To want to have sex with another woman does not mean you are a lesbian. There are many straight women who have had sex with other women simply for physical pleasure. That's called bi-curious which means to have an interest in being physical with either sex. However, if you ever have real feelings for that person, the scenario is greatly changed.

Having sex with somebody does not always mean that you love them. We see it all the time with straight people; Men and women sleeping around with people they don't have any emotional interest in. It would be the same situation, even if it was between two women or two men who don't love each other. That action alone does not define their sexuality. It's the personal bond they feel with that person that determines the truth.

Anyhow, I know I wasn't just confused back then because my feelings haven't changed. I can still feel attracted to both sexes equally, though I've never had a relationship with another woman simply because there was never someone interested enough in me or I didn't take enough of an interest in them. Everyone's got a type. Honestly, I think there was only one female friend I had who I was possessive and protective of enough to assume I was probably in love with her. I just didn't realize it then, until she had disappeared from my life altogether.

These are the thoughts I had today...

Shaken

The dream that keeps occurring
through my life, the thought is stirring
as I'm swept beneath the light
but I know that it's not right

Though I'm shaken and unholy
These words I write are for you solely
remaining untouched although in your grasp
in this hand of yours I clasp

Feeling so real, yet our loves in a bind
crossing a threshold between body and mind
talking sounds ever so silent
from a mouth so ugly and violent

Melancholic Thoughts

You know, sometimes I think that everyone around me wants something different for me than what I want. I just want to start living the life I claimed I'd have 6 years ago. I want the freedom to make that choice and stick with it, instead of backing out like I always did before.

I don't think I'm an idiot for wanting to get away and try something different. If you can't accept that, then there's nothing else to say about it.
Our hearts move in opposite directions. All I can do is move forward while you stand frozen in time.

If all you've done is simply not enough, then there's really no choice in this matter. It's grow up or give up.

Doctor's Office Blues

These days, it feels like I have too much and too little going on. Work, appointments, photo sessions, hang outs. 

I know what I should be doing is packing up stuff and cleaning my two bedrooms so I can move into my new apartment. I also need to renew my now expired driver's license...should probably do that tomorrow.

It's so easy to be procrastinatory in times where you know you shouldn't.

Aside from that, there's been a lot on my mind lately concerning video games...and how bloody awesome they are. Perhaps that's what has been keeping me from getting anything done.
This week, my boyfriend and I played through the amazing and epic Uncharted 3 and are now working our way through The Last of Us. After all the hype, I can surely say it is living up to my expectations. With the opening tutorial leaving me stunned, afraid, and in tears, all I can say is that you have to play it to know its greatness. 

On my own, I recently beat the new Deadpool game. Despite the low critical acclaim, I can honestly tell you that it IS worth playing. Especially if you love the comic series written by Daniel Way. Deadpool is hilarious! I love all the random comedy sketches with characters like Rogue, Domino, Psylocke, Wolverine, and more! Deadpool's universe is appealing to a certain type of audience, so obviously it has its nay-sayers. However, I think for the limitations that they had, it really fulfilled its duty. Bloody, brutal, brilliant. I really have high hopes if they ever make another one.

And lastly, I finally started playing Red Dead Redemption last night on my own. It's pretty good so far. I'm not that far in the actual story line yet but that's kind of a given with Rockstar-style open world games. Nonetheless, I'm liking the game play and it's really staying true to its spaghetti western influenced environment. 

So yay video games! You distract me from the complication of everyday life!

Best Albums This Year

2013 has to be the best year this far for many of my favorite bands. So I thought I'd compile a good list of some of the top albums for me so far this year. Feel free to take a listen, you might find something astounding that defeats even your wildest delusion of good music. Or not, it's your choice.

Here's just a few albums that really amazed me so far in the year.

The Strokes - Comedown Machine

This album is amazing. Just when I thought the Strokes couldn't get any better than their last album, Angles, they go and prove me wrong. Though this album failed to get any promotion or touring whatsoever, due to it being their last record on this label, it stills thrives as being a prominent masterpiece to the Strokes discography. My favorites are Tap Out,Welcome to Japan, One way Trigger, Slow Animals, Happy Endings, and Partners in Crime.

Pet Shop Boys - Electric

--Album video soon--

All I can say about this album is that it is fabulously electric! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined Pet Shop Boys delving into the House electronica genre. The entire record gives off a powerful dance vibe all the while straining your heartstrings with dark and emotional lyrics that leave a forelorn taste in your mouth, even after the album finishes. Really brilliant addition to the already vast discography of Pet Shop boys. Some delicious tracks include Fluorescent, Thursday, Love is a Bourgeoius Construct, and the Last to Die.

Depeche Mode - Delta Machine

What can I say about Depeche Mode that wouldn't come off sounding like an overexcited fangirl? After the release of their 13th studio album, I can truly say there is nothing that Martin L Gore, Dave Gahan, and Andy Fletcher can't do with their music. The album beginning to end is pure evangelical bliss, with its chillingly dark lyrics and synthesized instrumentals that will send your mind into a parallel universe. Some of my favorite tracks are Alone, Broken, The Child Inside, Should Be Higher, and Secret To The End.

Beady Eye - BE

After the debut of Beady Eye's first album, Different Gear, Still Speeding, came along a second, more mature sophomore album- BE. I think BE has a real power to it, not just in its lyrical maturity, but its musical departure from the first album. The first album was a great, no doubt, but it lacked a certain charm that left many Oasis fans disappointed, which is no surprise. I think BE makes up for that by being something completely separate and different from Oasis. Also, note that Liam Gallagher's vocals have significantly improved on this record, even moreso than they had on the last one. This which had proved the amount of effort Liam and the bandmates put into making Beady Eye stand tall on its own, rather than relying on the popularity gained in Oasis. Some standout songs on the album would Soul Love, Start Anew, Soon Comes Tomorrow, and Shine A Light. I'd also highly recommend any of the B-sides of the BE. They're all good enough to be an album song.

The Killers - Battle Born

Well, okay this isn't from 2013, but it was released around the end of 2012 so I'm still going to include it anyway. The Killers have really outdone themselves with their fourth studio album. Every song on this album has a certain charm that makes it nothing less than stellar. This album is supposed to be about their roots, growing up in Las Vegas, Nevada. I think it does the name Battle Born justice, with deep emotional lyrics and loud synthesizers and guitars. Not to mention, Brandon's evident vocal strides which empower the lyrics he sings throughout the album. It tells many tales of tragic romance and the harsh reality of growing up. Some of my favorites were Deadlines and Commitments, A Matter of Time, Flesh and Bone, Miss Atomic Bomb, and Carry Me Home.

Blooming into adulthood

There's a brief moment of clarity the first time you realize that someone who most likely would've made fun of you or bashed you in high school now sees you as a "catch". It took a lot of strength and heartbreak for me to become the person I am now. Sometimes I wish they could just go back and know the things I went through.
Everyone always thought I was weird. Now I know there's people who like me for being my weird nerdy self. I stopped trying to be like everyone else a long time ago because I realized maybe that's why people were mean. When I just tried to be me, I found friends who liked the same things I did.
I hope I can continue to grow beyond the point of needing satisfaction from others. I'm happy they can see me now because it means my efforts have not gone unnoticed. However, when there's a moment when I no longer crave that attention, it is then that I will be alive and freed of the chains of my past.

Shameless Self-Promotion

So, here's a blog post specifically for shameless self-promotion. I'm fairly new to the blogging world, so there's not much information known yet about me or my hobbies.

I've been an active user of Deviantart for many years and have made 3 different accounts. I'll only post my recent account since that's the only one I use these days. Click here for my DeviantArt profile
My trade on this website is photography. I like to do landscapes, self portraits, and pictures of my ferrets(6 of them).
Here's a few examples of my work;

 

My next promotion is my poetry. I've been writing since I was 11 or 12 years old and been working to improve over the years. I've been published once in International Who's Who in Poetry of 2013. I'm currently participating in two different contests taking place for two different books out this year. All my current poetry is posted on my Poetry.com profile

I'd love to hear feedback. I've written a couple songs for my musician friend and am always willing to try writing songs for others who are interested.

 

 

Next is my youtube channel. I started making videos when I was in 9th grade as a way of building my self confidence, whether they were just silly dance videos, singing covers, or of concert videos. I used it as a means to creating my identity. Though I rarely use it these days, I recommend at least checking it out for a good laugh or are interesting in my singing covers.  My Youtube Channel

Here's a little preview of what kind of stuff you might see on my channel.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, my final shameless promotion is my hobby for modeling. It started a while back after my self-photography started up. I decided to take a TV acting course at a modeling agency and school. Recently, I've participated in a Hot Topic runway show at my town's local anime convention and a some photography projects with a few local photographers. I have an account on Model Mayhem. Here's a link!

Here's a couple examples of my latest work.

 

 

 

 

Alright, that's all my I've got to publicize for now. Thanks for letting me get that out of the way!

Self Help: The Kind that Doesn't

Engaging a self-help search on the internet will only result in depression, I promise.

 

I mean, think about it. It's a little ironic when you realize just how pathetic your own situation is and how many other people experience it.

So I wouldn't recommend it.

 

Oh wait, this is my first post in this new and improved blog. I used to write one frequently when I was younger. However, a lot has changed since then, so I thought I'd try again.

 

My name is Jessica. I'm a worldly 21 year old woman living in a small town with a 100,000 people population.

 

I'm simply trying to find my place in the world through art. Personally, I find solace in life through writing, singing, modeling, photography, and music.

 

Now, since I'm done with my introduction, I'll get straight to the point of this post.

 

Self-help. Have you ever tried it? It's that moment where you find yourself standing in the aisle of some secondhand book store staring at a book that claims to help you figure out your life issues with the help of professionals.

It's the moment that you're bored at 3 in the morning and decide to look up online some common "symptoms" that you or someone else close to you might have felt at one time.

Well, here's my analysis. It doesn't work!At least not from my own personal experience. I can't speak for others.

However, since I was a very young age, I've had a multitude of different personality disorder symptoms. Now does this mean I am a nutcase and need to be put on drugs or undergo intense counseling? Maybe, but I have already had the joy of trying both of those methods, both to no avail.

 

Rather than considering people who are different 'mentally imbalanced' like the majority of professionals, I simply call it being a left-brained type of person.

It's like when a child of first grade enjoys playing alone instead of with others. They get diagnosed with ADHD, such as I was. Now I'm not going to deny that for some people, it really helps (I tend to be less violent and restless when I'm on my prescribed Strattera). Maybe they just like being alone. There isn't anything weird about being different. It doesn't have to mean there's something wrong.

 

Self-help is put out there intended for people who are truly perplexed by their symptoms. I'm sure that for a lot of people, it probably helps put things in perspective. For me, I realize that it simply restates the things I already knew about myself, but would rather not see in plain print.

 

I am not a perfect person. I go through a roller coaster of emotions on a regular basis. I think waaay too much. I jump topics constantly and can't sit still. I am  human being.
Instead of giving me a prescription, some professional advice, or the word of the lord; is there anyone out there we can relate to? Somebody to share stories with and walk hand in hand with through the problem? Wouldn't talking to others help people solve their problems?

 

And that is the end my rant. A surplus of nothing in form of paragraphs. But perhaps, it'll mean something to someone I don't know.